2023; A flash!
What a year 2023 has been! It’s felt like a flash! This year feels like everything’s happened so full and so fast! So much has happened to me that I don’t even know where to start from, right from the beginning of the year until now. I blinked in January and now it’s December. So many huge changes in such a short amount of time, that it’s taken a lot of energy to catch up with it all. When I look back, it feels like a lot; a compression of so many major moments in 12 short months.
Usually by this time of the year, I’d have already finished writing my yearly reflection. Every year, I write a short piece, which I share in December, that summarizes my impression of the year. However, this year, I’ve grappled to find my voice, my creative juice and authentic expression to encapsulate how this year has felt and dealt for me, but I’ll come to this much later…
This year has been altogether good, and I can’t complain. I am grateful for the unfathomable doors and opportunities that God brought my way, some which I even refrain from sharing for security reasons. I am glad that I didn’t give up on myself, and that I kept pushing for my dreams, even in the face of countless rejections. Wow! So much can happen in a year. God can do so much in a year and a minute, and I’m grateful for his grace that’s led me here.
I could never have imagined living in the walls of my dreams this much from the big things to the little things, that let me know that God pays attention to me.
However, I must admit that life has also taught me a valuable lesson in this season, that even walking in the realities of my dreams has its own challenges. And trust me when I say I’ve had my fair share of difficult moments…
When I think about the adversities, I think about Joseph. Anyone who knows me knows how deeply I parallel God’s calling on my life in the similitude of Joseph in the Bible; a calling as a diplomat/governor/leader/legislator.
When God showed Joseph a glimpse of his bright future through his dreams, it must have seemed so perfect and picturesque to be the head. He probably couldn’t wait to get there; little did he know what was waiting ahead, in being sold into slavery and all, right! God didn’t show him the bumps along the road to get there, or even the challenges he’d face even in the midst of having attained that dream. Dreams are not easy things to achieve, and sometimes they’re not easy to maintain even when you achieve them.
For instance, if you want a baby and you finally have one, yes, you’d have gotten what you wanted; but you’d also get along with that, the sleepless nights, the hormonal and bodily changes, the costs of caring for a baby, because babies are verifiably extremely expensive unemployed citizens. Lol. You’d have to put in the work to keep what you have, and honestly, I do not know one new mum who wasn’t overwhelmed at one point, with having a new baby in her life, even though it was absolutely what she wanted. So, just saying — just because you get what you want doesn’t mean it’s going to be an easy ride. So…
If only Joseph had know the adversities he’d have faced beforehand in the attainment of his dreams, he probably would’ve quit on himself…
For the longest time, I’d dreamt about accomplishing some of the wonderful things I so beautifully bask in today. But let me tell you, I wasn’t entirely ready for all the changes and sacrifices it came with, and all the changes it brought within me; or the internal dissonance that I didn’t even know existed or could even exist. It showed me a little bit of a different side of myself through an alternate pair of eyes.
I’ve learnt that the progressive living of life reveals certain aspects of ourselves we never knew existed. The more we live, the more we know ourselves through the mirror of our reactions to our experiences…
I always thought I knew “me” and had a firm and resolute image of myself. I’ve always been 100% confident about the fact that I know who I am. No surprises. I thought I knew myself thoroughly, but this year has brought me to a humbling acknowledgment that I really don’t know myself as well as I imagined; or rather that there’s more to still know about myself than I imagined.
There’s still more to know about myself than I imagined, so I’m giving myself grace in God to learn more through his help…
It’s humbled me in a way that’s necessary, as I peel back even more layers of myself. So these days, I treat myself with a little more grace and a little less finiteness or surety; it’s not looking down on myself and my abilities, but it’s rather the cautiousness to not overstate or overestimate myself and my capabilities in my own eyes, and addressing my inadequacies. I’m cautious about giving myself too much credit.
I’ve had an unequivocally great year, but also a very challenging year, especially towards the end of it… Only God knows how I’ve kept my head above the water…
Life has really been life-ing…
Going through the motions of December alone has felt packed like an entire 12 months on its own. Life has really been life-ing. And not only that, in Q4 I felt really out of sorts. Candidly, since mid-year, I’ve felt a little more tired and drained; out of steam; squeezed dry of creative juices; burnt out from both ends of the candle. I’ve felt quite displaced.
So I’ve had to take steps back; retreat into myself to recalibrate. One thing I was always sure of was the grace that brought me to this large place, but I knew that a higher dimension of grace and divine direction was needed to guide this next phase of my life; and it left me in limbo, as if I did not know what to do with myself anymore. And I wanted to be sure what God would have me do with my life and myself.
Two poems or stories come to mind when I think about this year especially as it draws to a close. They are perfect encapsulations of some of my experiences:
1. Fire by Judy Brown (poem):
“What makes a fire burn II space between the logs, a breathing space. Too much of a good thing, too many logs packed in too tight can douse the flames almost as surely as a pail of water can. So building fires requires attention to the space in between, as much as to the wood. When we are able to build open spaces in the same way we have learned to pile on the logs. Then we can come to see how it is fuel, and absence of the fuel together, that make fire possible. We only need to lay a log lightly from time to time. A fire grows simply because the space is there with openings in which the flame that knows just how it wants to burn can find its way…”
2. Letting your soul catch up:
There’s an old folklore told about some sojourners/explorers who embarked on a journey with some natives to assist as porters in carrying the load. The natives went at a slower pace than the sojourners desired, so after the first two days, they pushed the natives to go faster. On day three of the trek, the group went twice as far as day two. Around the campfire that evening, the sojourners congratulated themselves on their progress. But on day four, the natives would not budge to continue the journey.
When the sojourners asked what was wrong, the natives’ spokesman replied, “We cannot go any further today. We went so quickly yesterday that we have left our souls behind. Now we must wait here for our souls to catch up with us.”
Interestingly, I’ve felt like this most of this year; like I needed more space between my logs, or needed to slow down a little bit to allow my soul catch up with me…
I’ve moved at enormous, frightening speed in the past 2 years (from 2022 to now), that it seems like I left my soul behind and it needed a minute to catch up with my body. And so I’ve been resting; well let me be honest by saying I’ve been “trying” to rest.
You should know that rest doesn’t come very easy for me because I’m a high energy, fast paced person, so resting often feels like being unproductive, and sometimes I feel guilty and restless from doing nothing for too long. But I’ve also felt so overwhelmed to the point that I felt crippled and unable to do anything major, and that feeling stayed with me for weeks, if not months.
Resting doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m trying to be more intentional about taking breaks…
It’s interesting that people out there still see you as this fierce, fiery, focused person, but deep down, you know you’re privately struggling in some way. S/O to Charles Armah, for that great conversation we had about the value of rest. I really needed to hear it. I was near tipping point when we spoke.
So I’ve had to learnt how to rest without the pressure or guilt I’d normally feel when I take a break. I mean I was getting stuff done, but I wasn’t taking on any new projects. I’ve said a lot of “no’s” and “I’m sorry’s” in the last couple of months because I didn’t want to take on more than I could manage. I just didn’t have the bandwidth. I just kind of stopped a lot of things to focus on tending to my soul which was trying to catch up.
So, do I think I’ve caught up with myself? I’m not entirely sure, if I’m being completely honest. But I feel less anxious than I used to, less emptiness; less stoic; less feelings of being “lost in my own world,” or not knowing what to do with myself.
My energy levels still aren’t as high as they used to be, but it’s far better than before. I want to believe that God is recharging me for a purpose. And I’ve got better perspectives on life, and a better appreciation for where I am in life, and I’m grateful.
And if you’ve had a rough year, I just want to remind you through one of my favourite posters. Hold on to the hope that your best years and best moments are ahead of you and not behind you…
It’s been such a great year for me, despite the struggles, even if everything happened in a flash. I tell you, so much can happen in a year. So many amazing things, woven by the hands of God. He knows how to make even the seemingly challenging things work out for our good.
Let the name of the Lord be praised in our lives, as we keep trying to live for him. I hope 2024 brings me even more closer to God and living out his perfect will for my life…
#robbiewrites #radiantrobbie 30.12.23
PS: I haven’t written extensively or blogged much this entire year, because honestly, it’s been a lot of the lethargy I talked about, and that’s okay. But I hope to write more in 2024, and to do so much more of the things that make my soul come alive, and I hope you do too.
Lots of love and kisses, for the new year… -Robbie
