How God “ruined” my life to help me: A prodigal daughter’s story…
Never could I have ever thought of myself as a “prodigal daughter” and so I’ve always read that verse of the Bible countless times in an impersonal manner. I mean, I’ve lived a sheltered life, with next to no vices or wild behaviour. I was born and bred in a godly family with strong moral principles. I can barely tell a lie without giving myself away. I try to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. I keep no grudges in my heart. My conscience is a soft, clean and clear pillow. I’m not perfect, but I am certainly part of the cream of the cream of the skimmed cream… Top tier, top gun, quality woman by all standards.
Nothing about me could ever be prodigal or rebellious, or so I’d thought until that day in church…
A few weeks ago, my sister preached in church about the “Mercy of God,” anchoring it on the story of the prodigal son among other verses. Now, my sister is such a gem. I always say that if you think I am intelligent or wise or beautiful or purpose driven, you should meet my big sister, because she’s a million times more of everything. I look up to her deeply, and I draw inspiration from my own path of Ministry now, by looking at her Ministry. We all know that I am the black sheep in my family who said “I don’t want to be a Pastor, marry a Pastor or even date someone with such future ambitions.” A prospective partner with those ambitions was a red flag for me. Lol!
I am the only child of my parents who is not a Pastor. I have always been rebellious in that sense, but my sister has known for as long as I’ve known her that she’d do the work of God and be a Pastor — it is her pride and joy, her life’s work on gallant display. And she does it with such grace even whiles being a fully corporate and fully family woman. She is a proper Woman of God.
Anyway, when Baaba preaches in church, I take copious notes, I speak in tongues whilst I listen to assimilate the word. I don’t fidget — I pay rapt attention to every word that wells from her spirit and drops from her lips. She is wisdom personified! That is, on the days where she’s not being an annoying big sister.
That preaching that day broke me. It made me realize how merciful God had been to me and how much of a prodigal child I’d been, to take the reins of my life and tell God the limits to which he could express his sovereignty in my life.
I am a fiercely intelligent woman who is also physically and emotionally stronger than most women. I am determined, resilient and intrinsically motivated. I have energy and drive like a powerhouse. I am multi-talented and extremely confident and assertive. I have an amazing body structure and aura that makes people just treat me with maturity, respect and honour. I am super imaginative and creative — I can create amazing things from nothing and know how to rally others to support my cause. I am eloquent. I have a strong, powerful mind and will.
It may sound like I’m blowing my trumpet, but I am coming to a point.
I remember writing in one of my previous posts that for someone like me who is high-potential, it can be so easy to rely on my own strengths and laurels as I’ve listed above, rather than on God’s. It can be so easy to switch and slip into the error of thinking that I can make it in life even if I push Jesus to the side of the curb, because I am such an excellent, quality being with so much capacity, who can do so much by my strength.
There was actually a time, about 5–6 years ago, where I thought God was slow, and I needed to “help” him act by taking matters into my own hands for the outcome of my destiny. I wanted to help God, because he didn’t seem to have my life figured out as neatly laid as I’d imagined the creator of the universe should.
I told God to take the parts of my life I wanted to give him, and to steer clear of the parts I was unprepared to give. I had grand, ambitious plans for my life, and I didn’t want God to interfere by telling me what he wanted for my life, for fear that his purpose will conflict with mine, and I’d have to concede and yield to his purpose.
I’d always had this grand idea of being an international business mogul, a corporate giant. Like a global household name, who is an exceptional entrepreneur, and I never wanted God to interrupt me or “ground” my life with his “small” and unexciting plans of making me a Pastor or doing Ministry work. Really! With all this potential?!
I wanted to serve God, but on my own terms, and I sometimes treated it transactionally. I even remember saying in honest prayer to God, “God, I love you and I will serve you all my days, but please don’t “call” me.” And I truly did love God, but I was not totally surrendered to his will. I was giving him my life and simultaneously holding on to it, thinking that I couldn’t trust him to fully hold those reins and do a good job of it.
The prodigal son thought the same, that he could live outside the provision of his father, seeking his own independence to do what he wanted with his life, which was why he requested for his share of the inheritance, even when his father was still alive. He was seeming to send a message of “I simply cannot wait for you to be dead to have what’s mine and be my own boss.”
That act of thinking himself sufficient outside his father, who was his source, was an act of rebellion.
I remember one of my former business partners and I were running about 3 businesses whilst I was still a student on campus and things were looking progressive. I remember 2016 being an amazing year! Super amazing! I had everything going on for me. I’d won my first contract, even as a National Service girl and it was about 70,000 cedis! Way to go! I never wanted to take a job, because even people working 8 to 5’s weren’t making anything close to that at such a young age! I had great expectations for 2017. I saw it as a climax, riding on a high wave that only gets better and better.
Life was moving fast. I was always thinking, strategizing, trouble shooting business problems. I remember my heart would be racing and palpitating non-stop all the time. My mind was always working, even in my sleep. I felt like I couldn’t catch a minute with the speed of my life — it was good, but too fast paced. I felt like a moving train without brakes.
There were times where I felt that I was moving too fast, and needed to slow down, but I didn’t know how to pull the brakes. All the while, I was serving God on my terms, somewhat un-surrendered. I sometimes low-key felt I could do better than God in some areas of executing my life, but I still loved him.
In 2017, which was 5 years ago, God “ruined” my life in the most helpful way possible.
He started to turn my world upside down right from January. Everything crashed into a million pieces. Everything. I lost everything — a broken shadow of myself. Everything I believed made me who I was, was gone. My relationship, confidence in myself and abilities, health, money, trust, businesses, hopes and dreams — everything shattered.
Such a rude awakening! It was like Jesus was saying, “There, I pulled the brakes. Will you look at me now?”
I’ve written about this 2017 year-long, deep and dark experience countless times. It was a wilderness turning point in my life. It humbled and sobered me immensely. It brought me home to God…
In the midst of nothingness and losing everything like the prodigal son, who became so destitute to the point of craving pigs food, I found my God again. I thought about going home to my Father. When God is all you have left, you surrender and hold on to him for dear life, because your life depends on it. There was nowhere to find solace than in the arms of my Heavenly Father. There was no one to make sense of my confusion and pain than God. I felt lost and broken. Nothing mattered, not my intelligence, drive, prominence, material gain or dreams of being a international corporate giant. How did I get here? I asked myself often…
God was teaching me through those chain of sordid experiences not to rely on myself, and not to place my confidence in my abilities or in others. He was teaching me to look to him. It was a hard period, but a good, transformative one. It gave me room for a fresh start and an opportunity to reinvent myself, this time with God at the helm of it all.
The preaching also talked about the other son, and I saw myself in him too. We always think of that first son as the best, compliant one who stayed with the Father. We laud him. But when more light was shed on him, I realized that yes, he’d been with the Father all along, but he did not reckon who the Father was to him, even to understand his depth of access or know that he could’ve killed a calf for himself all along without feeling cheated. He was with the Father but did not know the Father that well.
That first son felt self righteous and judgmental — he thought himself better than his brother, who had come to his senses, and with a broken and contrite heart sought his Father’s mercy. He felt his brother was undeserving of the mercy demonstrated to him by their Father.
I too felt self righteous sometimes. Many believers unconsciously do. I too held expectations of myself and of others. I was quick to judge. I always saw life as black or white, no gray areas. But the more you live, the more you learn how fluid life can be, and how vulnerable even the best of us can be without God’s mercy. We’re really not that special — it’s just a work of boundless grace.
You see, in those years, I never thought of myself as a prodigal daughter because that story was always of someone with a wild, rebellious, self-indulgent, frivolous and irresponsible lifestyle and past, and I’d never been that kind of wayward person. I could not relate to that picture.
However, when I juxtapose it to my unwillingness to surrender my life to the one who gave it to me, and my desire to not have him interfere with my autonomy and self curated dreams, I understand that I was so near to God, but still so very far from him. I was no different from someone who’d shunned him right from the beginning.
So, I’ve learnt to show others grace as God shows me grace, and leave room in my life for God to take the reins and do with me as he chooses… I’m consciously surrendering my life and will every day. Laying down my expectations to take on God’s plans, purposes and allowing him mold me into his very own masterpiece.
I should've written this piece a long time ago, after my sister preached, but the words never came. Today, I am writing it because it is a testament to how far I’ve come.
Today I am doing a thousand times better than I could have ever done 5 years ago. I am accomplishing incredibly amazing feats that scare even me. God is showing me off to the world in ways that beat my mind. But there’s a difference this time. My strength, trust, confidence and abilities is not in myself, but deeply rooted in God. I rely on him for everything. I go on my knees to seek his wisdom and direction, and I never ever believe that I can do better than God in anything.
I have seen the ruins of a life lived with God in the rear; when God is made an alternative, rather than the grand master plan. I am never taking that route again. I am humble. I no longer boast in my strength, for I know who my source is; he who gives me and who takes at will.
I am sharing this because today my mum sent me a humbling message after I posted something related to my non-profit organization on our family page. She said,
“Roberta, I am proud of you. May God push you up the ladder of prominence — beyond the heavens to be your limits. May God prosper your ideas and turn them into flesh, something tangible. It shall be well with you and your baby (Forward Finesse) you have birthed.”
I credited all of it to God. Only God. Not one bit of all of this is by my strength or hand. God is doing only what he can do in my life, so that only he can take the glory for it.
And all that I thought was, “I thank my God that I trust in God…”
I am thankful that I no longer consider it my effort, these leaps and bounds can only be by God’s magnanimous hand and marvelous help. I am thankful that I have grown in his grace and mercy. I am blessed to lean on his strength, and I am glad that he has taught me so much in this 5 years of making me a solid woman rooted in him. I am privileged he didn’t give up on me and took me in when I run back to him after life’s ruins. I am grateful that I have lost self importance and self righteousness. He has taken away my shame and reproach, and given me a new song…
When I look at the amazing, international doors that God is opening in my life now, I absolutely understand why he had to take me through the fire and refine me through and through with those harsh experiences.
I now understand why he had to work on my heart; he had to break me and mould me, to glorify his name for real without taking me the credit for anything. I can connect the dots backwards and understand the purpose for the pain. It’s built greater purpose, resilience and compassion in me.
You see, there’s a scripture in Genesis that says, “God knew that Abraham would be great, and that he would order his house after himself.” It was in Abraham’s destiny to be great. God knew this, and knew he had to partner with Abraham to capture for himself the mind and totality of an empowered generation that would unequivocally come through him.
I believe God knew this about me. Araba will be extremely great for sure; a global player, most definitely. I better get her on my side fully, get her grounded in me, otherwise if these doors ahead open, she may never fully see me as she should.
God will take us far, because we recognize his tremendous contribution to every step of the journey, not as an act of tokenism, but as a real life, authentic expression of wholistic self abandon to him and his will for our lives.
We have learnt by experience. We are too wise to take the credit for what God is doing in our lives…
#robbiewrites #radiantrobbie 10.Nov.2022
PS: I love this woman I have become through this wilderness, and through the pumped brakes — he has given me dreams bigger than I could’ve ever dreamt for myself, and convictions of purpose far impactful than I could’ve ever fathomed. He has blessed me with mighty wings to fly far above the clouds… Who but God? Who am I and what is my household, that he has shown me his mercy?
