On smart, ambitious, single women and that word “intimidating”…

The Radiant Robbie
7 min readFeb 13, 2022
The Radiant Robbie herself… Something wonderful the Lord made.

The day I tendered in my resignation from my last job (quite recently… yay!) I was having a conversation with one of my supervisors. I was thanking him profusely for all the help, guidance and support, even within such a short time. I was truly grateful.

We were going through my personal file to get a few things straight when he said, “I’m praying for you-that you find a good man.” And I replied, “Thank you and amen.”
And he continued, “Going through your file and seeing your certificates, I can tell that you’re a very intelligent woman.”

I affirmed and supplied that indeed, in my undergraduate degree, I’d been a first class student right from first year to final year, and in my masters degree, I was the best Graduating Student for my MSc in Development Finance. The Valedictorian that year graduated with a 3.94GPA and I had a 3.92GPA. I was basically 0.02 points away from Valedictorian.

I said it with a smile that run deep. I was proud of my achievements because I knew the silent battles and sacrifices it’d come with that many people didn’t know about. It was a light conversation and he’d flipped through the certificates anyway.

And he said, “So, I pray for you.” I got his message as he continued to say:

“Many men would be intimidated by a woman like you. They might think that you’d be smarter than them. And that would scare them away or even their friends may caution them. And unless such smart women are naturally submissive to the point when it does not feel a threat, some men would not approach.”

He then told me about a close relative, a very smart woman who now had no partner, even though she was very smart and accomplished because it was intimidating. He was saying it from a good place, and understanding our cultural dispositions as Ghanaians and the fact that he wasn’t the first person saying that to me, I wasn’t even slightly offended.

Growing up, I didn’t always think I was beautiful; my awareness to my beauty was something that took a long time to manifest. I absolutely know that now! But I always, always knew that I was smart. I knew that I had a good head seated on my neck.

Before I ever knew that I was beautiful, I knew that I was smart.

Anyway, I digress. So, I only said in my heart, “This “intimidating” word again, meanwhile I’m one of the nicest, down to earth and chill women you’ll find.” But I smiled and thanked him once again.

That discourse didn’t pique much interest in me or push me to mull again until today when I read a post on Instagram by a Dr. on her journey to the PhD and facing the same perception about smart women being intimidating and lacking partners. Reading that reminded me about my conversation with that Director that day. The same director who was still encouraging me to do my PhD lol.

I’ve had so many people tell me to do my PhD and encourage me to get a scholarship abroad for it. It’s something I plan to do anyway. But in the fringes are also those that say, “Taking that decision to be away for 4 years would put you well into your 30's…”

As if once I’m in my 30’s, I become an expired product on a shelf. As if once I’m in my 30’s good men cease to exist. As if once I’m in my 30’s everything within me shrinks and shrivels away from youthfulness. As if I cannot rather meet my partner wherever I travel for my PhD…

There are messages that have subtle undertones; unsaid ceilings and capstones that highlight that a woman should be ambitious, but not too ambitious, because she just might get out of hand, or lose the possibility of getting a spouse or even having children and losing relevance in her career field because of the diverted attention. Go hard girl, but not too hard…
So women sometimes get scared. We take a pause at every opportunity and wonder what that would mean for the future…

I’m turning 30 next month!!!

Yes, I’m turning 30 years in March by the way, and I look forward to it with great gratitude that I could even live and breathe this far; a luxury so many have not even had. And as I look at all that God has done within these 29 years of my existence, I cannot but trust him to have control over every single facet of my life.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this piece or what I hope to accomplish by this…

But two things I know are, regret is real and you cannot deny/deceive yourself. God made you smart for a reason; it’s a gift that he expects you to use to impact the lives of others and make a difference in this world. And you cannot deny yourself that simply to have something that cannot be kept because of insecurity.
Secondly, so far as you treat people with honour and respect, irrespective of their backgrounds, you should be fine. Those who are yours will come.

I’ve known a few good men in my life who’ve had my heart at a point in time in my life, and they’ve been amazing men in their simplicity. And not one was intimidated by all the woman that I am. Not one of them felt inadequate by my adequacy.

In fact, like Chimamanda Adichie, one of my favourite writers said, “The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in.” Because that would be a suicide mission for both parties; the insecurities will strangle whatever good thing exists.

The truth is, life happens for different people at different times, and I am so achingly aware of how society attempts to push us into molds and fit us into boxes. It even pressures us to accept unworthy people in our lives and stomach unpleasant experiences simply to be able to say we have someone — you know, to say “me too”.

But the more I grow, the more I allow for the fluidity of God’s divine influence to take control in my life. The more I live, the more I am emboldened to shirk the pressuring expectations of society on how my journey should pan out. The more I experience God’s little miracles, the more my faith is firmed up that he would overperform the bigger ones. I rest in knowing that God will bring what’s mine when I work hard in preparation.

I am not saying it would always feel good being single, and I am not saying it won’t sometimes feel empty being alone. It can be exhausting and frustrating, I know. But I am saying that there is a peace and comfort that comes from knowing that you’re on God’s heart and mind and at the right time, He’d give you everything you need. And that is what you should truly seek; that quiet confidence in knowing that God, much more than anyone else has got your life figured out even if you don’t.

I am also saying that this life is beautiful as a single woman if you let it and if you focus on the right things. I have learnt to be content and self-sufficient with what God is doing in my life now. Anyone who knows me knows just how much I truly am happy and enjoy my life. I postulate that the more I do with what God gives me, the more he’ll give me.

Today I look back at years ago and how much the woman I am has struggled, hurt, sacrificed and grown into her progressive becoming, and I can only connect the dots backwards in thankfulness and immense gratitude. Never could I have anymore understood my path in the moment, than in bethinking in hindsight to re-evaluate the what, where, why, when and how of all I’ve been through and why it had to be that way. I’ve had no regrets in my life, particularly on the major things; on the things that truly matter. Even the unpleasant things have been learning experiences.

If you’re a good, down-to-earth person with a deep respect for humanity but still get hit with the “intimidating” tag, I want you to know that it’s not you, it’s them.

If shining your light, rather than inspiring others to throng around it, repels them when you aren’t doing anything to “suppress” anyone, then it’s not you, it’s them. And if life isn’t panning out the way you expect, make the most out of what does pan out.

Understand that no one has it easy, no matter their course of life. We all have our demons we’re fighting, albeit wrapped differently. Someone wants what you have, just as much as you want what someone has, so relax and stay in your lane, making the most out of the relay.

Fall in love with living life on your own terms (in God’s terms)…

You do not have to dumb down who God made you to be simply to please others. You do not have to be “less successful” simply to be more attractive or approachable to men. Maybe you’re looking at the wrong men.

I’ve heard people say things like “As a woman, maybe don’t buy a car until you marry. It may intimidate some men and they’ll feel they’re not on your level.” I kid you not. I’ve heard this being said, not really to me, but to someone. And yet again, I’ll repeat Chimamanda’s quote. If a simple car, or some material possession can make someone, anyone question their worth, place or relevance in your life, then you both have bigger issues on your hands than the material matters themselves (I don’t have a car, but I know this much).

So be your authentic self. Respectfully shed your light, and those who can match it will come in God’s own good time. Trust that. Trust yourself, that if you’ve done this much and come this far, you can do so much more.

Inspire others through your journey. And most importantly, trust God to fix the jigsaw puzzle of your life. If people try to pressure you that you’re late or delaying, ask them;

“On whose time schedule? God’s or yours?”

Truly do not let pressure push you; forever is too long to be unhappy…

#robbiewrites #radiantrobbie 11.2.22

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The Radiant Robbie

Sometimes I have words and thoughts spilling from my soul, and if I don't write them down, I lose them. Robbie Writes. Radiant Robbie