What Did Heartbreak Teach You? My Heartbreak Lessons…
Recently I was talking to a friend about relationships and I ended up sharing the story of how one relationship of mine had ended. She was so shocked — she said I looked like the kind of person that couldn’t crumble or be taken lightly; I looked like the type of person that wouldn’t take $#I! from anyone. I laughed so hard; sometimes love is like that — it softens us in an unimaginable way.
Sometimes vulnerability does that to you, and it’s okay to admit that you were entirely vulnerable, doing your best at something and it didn’t work out. But don’t paint me a saint — I have my own flaws, and I’ve had my fair share of mistakes, because it takes two to tango.
Nonetheless, we all have that one person that will take our pretty little hearts and skewer it like a chicken khebab… lol
We all have that one person that nearly gave us a cardiac arrest and put us on the borderline between sanity and madness, all in the name of love… lol
Anyway, lately, it’s been hard to write anything new, because I’ve been so swamped with work. What I’ve been doing is re-reading some of my over 500–1000 pieces (shared and unshared).
It’s interesting to re-analyze the thought processes and life’s frameworks that inspired some of the writings I put down. And I realized that today’s date sort of matches to two years ago when I first shared these heartbreak lessons series (like the anniversaries of my writeups)… I shared these heartbreak lessons two years ago and I started writing them two years before that, when I started to heal. I wrote the first piece “Even I” on 16.12.18, and many of the others, I wrote around 2019…
And the thing was, I needed to start healing before I could really write them, you know, because I was still raw and sore from the pain. Anyway, I used to be ashamed to share it, and to admit the extent to which I loved and cared for someone and was hurt in the end. I felt like a fool! It shattered me. It wrecked my mind! And along with it, I was going through so much in my life at the time. My world was literally turning upside down, and I was just in a bad place where everything was falling apart.
I’m grateful that I’ve come this far since then. God has carried me through all the changing scenes of life. And I’m so grateful to him that I’m in a much better place and some of these ill-feelings, doubts and walls that these tough lessons came with no longer exist. And I am thankful for the good love of some good men that I’ve experienced since, even if they didn’t last forever. Genotype incompatibility rubbish!
There’s one solid lesson I really want to share today. Recently I read something on Facebook about a woman who’d been in a 7 year relationship and had a son with this man (co-habiting I think). He would emotionally and verbally abuse her to the tops of the hills, but in the eyes of many, he was a saint — he was a top lecturer in one of the universities and a lawyer as well. They were getting married in 5 months and he saw it like doing her a favour/doing it to fulfil social norms, and she was sharing her story anonymously for people to advise her because she was thinking 7 years was too long to throw away, and who would want her now that she had a child and was 35/37 or so? She was financially sufficient, and could take care of her boy, but was also afraid that he’d raise custody battles. Besides, she really also wanted to get married, because she thought she was getting old, so she wanted to do it — but she could also smell danger ahead and was betwixt and between in her mind.
Reading that took me back to my own thought process then. I remember when this particular relationship of mine started festering and close people were advising me to walk out. I wasn’t really listening. I really loved this person to bits. He was someone I could put my life on the line for—that’s how much I trusted him. And I wasn’t really listening to advise for two reasons:
- We’d been dating for over 4 and a half years — close to 5. He was my first boyfriend since Uni and after that. That’s a lot of time. To throw away the relationship was to throw all that time away. And where do I start from now that I’m older (I was only 25 then, but it sure seemed like a lot) and there’s the opportunity cost of all these other seemingly great men I turned down just to be with this person. Am I now going to start from the ground up of getting to know someone and date again?
- Besides, no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. And maybe these are his flaws and that might be my share of the crosses we all carry. If I choose to date another person, he would also have flaws. So, maybe I make do with it and hope for a better day when some things change. I was looking at the areas where he was also a good person — he wasn’t entirely a bad person (well, before the straw that broke the camel’s back).
My big sister is very wise (don’t tell her I said that. She’ll use it as a daily reference point lol).
I remember having a discussion with my sister on the two points, and she said to me. “4.5 years may seem like a lot of time, yes. But it is nothing compared to the rest of your life…”
It is nothing compared to the over 60–80 years more of your life, and to choose to stay with this thing that has clearly ended, because he has clearly broken faith with you through his actions, (he did not cheat so don’t wander there — I was never worried about that. He was a faithful man in that regard. I give him that much. There are aspects of him I will doff my hat to) and close your eyes on these red flags simply because of 4.5 years is to self-sabotage.
Because, you are choosing something that is not good for you, not on it’s intrinsic value of it’s goodness and relevance, but simply on the measure of time. You want to keep something that is no longer worth keeping because you tended to it for a couple of years, at the expense of the rest of your life? And a certainly good rest of your life?
So instead of thinking what if I leave and find no one else who is better, why don’t you start thinking, what if I leave and find someone so much better? The best years of your life are ahead of you, and not behind you, if you do not allow these 4.5 years to trap you in for the rest of your life (we had seriously talked about marriage when things went south).
And yes, everyone has flaws, and no one is perfect. But this one, isn’t yours to carry any longer. And it won’t get any better if you stay, particularly after what he’s done and how you’ve felt in this relationship lately. There are better men out there. Then she made a statement I will never forget — a statement which I have shared time and again: “God has many good sons for his many good daughters, and many good daughters for his many good sons.” God is the best matchmaker in the world, and trust him to bring exactly what you need your way. Just as you’re his good daughter, he has many good sons too he’s looking to pair.
“God has many good sons for his many good daughters, and many good daughters for his many good sons.” God is the best matchmaker in the world, and trust him to bring exactly what you need your way…
So I moved on. And it’s been great since and God has shown me immense kindness. Sometimes I wonder if I’d want to erase that part of my life because it was so tragic. It took me over a year and a half to recover from that time in my life — Aside the emotional damage of the break, I literally lost everything, including all the businesses we’d built together, because he took everything and I was left hanging with the debts.
And if not for the graciousness of my family who split the debt and paid on my behalf, I don’t know what I’d have done then. I was so ashamed; heartbroken and broke and I felt like I’d dated a stranger all these years because I could never have imagined that he’d do that to me (So, if you see me crazy about my family, don’t hate on them; they’ve been there for me in my lowest moments, when I was beaten and battered by life’s challenges and they have still stood unequivocally by me till date). They have consistently demonstrated that they have my best interests at heart and have selflessly given their blood, sweat and tears to make me the woman I am today.
I won’t go much into the nitty gritty of the stories. But then I retrospect, and I wouldn’t want to change a thing. It was tough and rough, but I learnt a lot from those experiences, and it shaped me into becoming this wonderful woman I am today. So, I am thankful in all things. I know the difference now, and I know exactly what I’m looking for in the person I will want to choose “till death do us part” with.
I made a decision after that, and also after working in a toxic work environment, that I would not stay in any toxic relationship again, no matter the type of relationship-friends/work/romantic/whatever. I would not negotiate with terrorists…
I would not allow anyone to bully and abuse me — I would not allow anyone to make me look down on myself or question my self worth again, because good people would build you up rather than destroy. I would do all I possibly could to make it work, and humble myself to learn where I am deficient, and if it no longer works, I would walk away to a better life and save my sanity — whether it was an acquaintance, a friendship, a work relationship or a romantic relationship; any sort of human relationship at all.
I am no longer ashamed of my story — I’ve learnt so much from it, and I see it as a means by which I can minister or make an input into the lives of others. Yes, this happened to me, and so what? What I make of my life from that matters more. And I am thankful most especially for God.
You see, when people see me, they see this happy, free-spirited, exciting, thriving woman — but this woman was built from the fire. She didn’t just arrive. She hasn’t had it easy. But with God, she’s built a beautiful life she can be proud of. And she won’t let anything shake that foundation. Anything.
Anyway, let’s dive in! Maybe you’ll learn from my lessons… Or share a few of your own… Over 20 lessons learnt here…
This is the truth I have known, experienced and believe: Love is a beautiful thing. Love is a beautiful thing. I tell you, love is an immensely beautiful thing when it is done right. Only when it is done right…
I love healthy relationships — and hopefully, when I fall in love again, it would be amazing for a lifetime. But there’s absolutely no rush or hurry. I’ve learnt that sometimes good things are like a serendipity — you find them when you stop looking…
Life is beautiful. Do not postpone your happiness. Hide your joy in Jesus and keep being God’s faithful child… Be content in God’s present provision for your life, and don’t let pressure/society/the passing of time force you to hold on to something that’s not worth keeping. Do not negotiate with terrorists…
A good relationship/marriage is a blessing, and a bad relationship/ marriage is slow poison…
Forever is too long to be unhappy…
#robbiewrites #radiantrobbie 27.4.22
