What’s in it for me?
So, I’ve just been thinking out loud about this subject for awhile now, and I think it’s very important to find the words to articulate it.
If you don’t already know that I’m a single woman that puts the word “single” to shame, now you know. I always kind of joke that even my single is single. A single pringle, with a very fine dimple. lol. Forgive me for that one, I don’t know what came over me. Bad joke. Terrible humour.
Anyway, that’s the truth; I’m not single because I’m a player or too picky as some might think— I’m quite the opposite, I’m just a simple, single, good woman who happens to meet great guys I mutually love who are not genotype compatible with me at the moment. But one day, bullseye!
Anyway, recently one son of Adam was trying to ask me out — like a relationship — which isn’t news, because what do you call a cake that’s hot? Obviously a hot cake... Forgive me, it’s just bad jokes all day!
Also, ask me out dierrrr, I will even be the first person to ask any nice human being I find enthralling out, irrespective of gender, to get a cup of coffee with me, even though I don’t even drink coffee (for me, the notion of getting a cup of coffee is more of a social construct rather than a literal proffer to truly drink coffee). So, that’s clearly not the type of “out” I’m talking about.
And then he proceeded to tell me how good of a woman I am, how intelligent and kind and godly and blah blah blah… And how a good, purpose driven man needs a good woman to be by his side; a woman who supports his dreams, who would make a home and take care of the family, who would be a great support system, who would love and care for, and how I would be such a great fit.
Then he continued with how exceptionally blessed he would be to have a woman like me in his life and how progressive that would be. I knew he wasn’t lying — well, life is very fluid, so, I can’t say if today’s rose adorned words would remain the same tomorrow, but I have known him to be an authentic person; just not in that light because it’s not that simple, and I cannot come and explain the intricacies here.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, he was telling me how great I would be for him and how blessed he would be to have me. And all the while, all I could think about is, “What’s in it for me? What about me?”
You want me for you, but what about me? What about what I want and what I need?
Have you thought about my life and how I’d like those parts to be filled by the person who comes into my world? This picture of a life you’re painting, how are you sure that’s what I want? How do you know if it resonates with me and what God has told me my future would look like? What would my life look like with you as an active stakeholder? Because I date with intention; I don’t date for fun — if I agree to date you, it means I believe I can spend my life with you, period. Whether we make it to forever or not, is a matter for another day; but at the very least, it is my inner conviction on same that enables me to affirm my choice.
Because, you see, the thing about a truly good woman is, she knows she is good. And she knows that she would be good to you when she says yes to you. But do you only come bearing your needs, and communicating about you? What’s in it for her?
I know we always talk about how God made a woman to be helper for the man, but a husband is also supposed to nurture and help his wife to be all that God wants her to be, (these days, if you say something small as a woman nooor, they will come and call you “feminist” or think you are struggling with a man to obtain a power you already have. But God, the head, helps his church; he serves his church just as his church serves him — so see the context of help as a mutual, co-dependent expression of love and service) so if you don’t or haven’t bothered to know what God wants me to be, his direction, his calling, his dreams impressed upon my heart, my goals, how you are shaping and contributing to the course of my life and the trajectory that lies ahead, how do I tie my cloth to your cloth in an enduring way? I am not your typical woman, but which woman did God ever make that was typical? I digress.
You know, this is what I ask myself — can I find myself in this person? How do I fit myself into the painting of your life? How do I find myself in you? Is there space for me to occupy here? Can I thrive? Will my calling thrive? Is this someone I can submit to — whatever submission is and means?
If God designed that my life and purpose is embedded in that of my spouse, then when I see him, I should see me… I should find me in him.
“Can I find myself in this person?”
I’ve had not one, not two, but three people make propositions this way, and that’s why I’m writing about this. This “not one, not two, but three” incidents may have been well intentioned, but all it made me feel in the moment of processing those words was to make me feel like a medium towards achieving an end-goal…
You don’t really want me because you want me. You want me because I am intelligent — extremely smart; because I am gifted — intensely gifted; because I have next to no vices and I don’t even know how to be bhad gyal even if I tried; you want me because I’ve got character, and scruples; and I’m a determined woman who is focused, resilient and committed; moreover you can verifiably postulate that whoever I am with experiences an unequivocal boom in their life because of this quality woman that I am — that’s what you want…
That’s what you want. Those traits, rather than the human being. That’s what I think when you make this type of one-sided proposition that focuses on what you want from me and why you want me in your life without lending credence to what you bring to the table of my life (because yes, what are you bringing to this table, that I have filled with things I am commensurately bringing to your life? — I’m not the type of woman you wonder what she brings to the table — when you see me in person, the aura alone will make you know that I bring plentyyyyy to the table).
I am a quality woman and I know it. It’s not pride — it’s self awareness.
You want me because, even though you may know that you’re not ready for a definite relationship right now — (I’m not a teenager anymore; I am not now coming to date someone for an eternity of God knows how long before they finally decide to take the next step, neither am I in a hurry for you to swiftly and spontaneously put a shiny band on my finger — It’s a paradox — I’m past the age of dating for too long, and I’m past the age of being giddy about pre-mature proposals spewed by incontinent lips with expressions of shallow infatuation, farced as undying love) — or are even remotely ready for marriage, you cannot let a good woman like me go…
How can you possibly let a woman like me pass you by? So you ask me out, even if you’re not ready for what you’re asking for... Or do it without understanding how you fit into my life as I seamlessly fit into yours. I’m not saying this is the case; I’m just saying people actually do this. They keep a good woman even though they’re not ready for her, because they fear to see this good thing go to someone else.
So, what is the crust of all I’m saying? Because, my brothers, this thing I am saying is because I want to help you to know how to communicate the distin well, so that she will say yes when you ask her the distin...
And it is not because you tricked her into agreeing to date or marry you, or strong-armed her into saying yes, but because she saw in you what she needed; you came speaking her language, thinking about how your presence in her life also would contribute to making her world, dreams, life better — you thought about her and made her a priority. You saw beyond yourself; you stretched yourself to accommodate all of her (I know this sounds some way, but I promise you, it’s clean thoughts only. I’m thinking about endocytosis in an amoeba please lol. I promise).
Because not every woman is out for the material things you possess; she won’t even bat an eyelash at them. She wants more — the kind of more money doesn’t buy and glossy words cannot slick through…
Show me something real that shows you see me, not the shiny me that you can “benefit” from, because do I then become a worthless thing to you when my seeming “advantages” spiral down? And what happens when my flaws and imperfections come into view, would this inspiration for me abruptly cease?
Good women like us want more; the kind of more that money cannot buy and glossy words cannot slick through…
So, I am showing you the distin; that when you want to be with a woman, in as much as you tell her about what you want from her and what drives you to be with her, tell her about how your presence enhances her life. What’s in it for her to choose you? Dissect her hopes and dreams and fit yourself within the pages of those desires. Understand her make-up thoroughly and let her see herself in you. She is you. You are her. Different people, but very much similar in essence.
All I’m saying is, let it not be selfish or one sided — don’t let it be all about you, be earnest in articulating how you’re fit for her, help that is meet for her as well…
Anyway, I’m done talking about the heavy aspects of this discussion, because at the end of the day, life happens for us differently, and nothing is cast in stone as a one-size fits all.
And a really fine man makes my toes curl and gives me goosebumps like a senseless, fawning groupie who has seen her all-time crush. And I don’t even need to hide it because I’m a single pringle sha.
I lose all rational thinking. lol. So take me seriously, but not too seriously…
I hope you understand my message and the spirit of it; it is about two — truly, complementarily two, and I want you to read this in the vice versa, depending on your gender. I hope I preached this message with love. Lots of love, Radiant Robbie…
#robbiewrites #radiantrobbie 1.6.22
